As I was waiting in the doctor's office today, browsing through the magazines I came across one called Departures. It might as well be called Conspicuous Consumption. It's basically a magazine for people who have so much money they need someone to give them suggestions how to spend it all - Brewster's Millions Monthly, if you will.
I was actually glad to find that I was in a good enough mood that I could laugh at it. There are times when it would have sent me into a deep dark funk. I flipped through pages of luxury getaways, $5,000 worth of the ugliest sportscoat I've ever seen, personal jets, and "soft-shell crab BLT's", you know for those summer picnics.
I was glad I was alone in the waiting room when I came across the best item, however, because I let out a huge snorting laugh - sterling silver corn on the cob holders! I'm pretty sure that if there ever came a time when I looked at a set of sterling silver corn on the cob holders and thought, "Yes, that's it. That's what I've been looking for." then my life is over. I have accomplished everything a man may accomplish, acquired everything a man can acquire. I will make that last big checkmark on the life list, cook up a mess of corn on the cob, holding each sterling silver corn on the cob holder with my pinky raised, and then promptly die and let the funeral director pick the corn out of my teeth before I get buried with my platinum barbecue tongs and 24 karat gold, diamond encrusted lemon zester.
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